okay, i obviously haven't learned the "back lesson" well enough, because once again, God is giving me an opportunity to grow through pain. Thinking back over the last week, I can see (pretty darn clearly) that I've regressed into "do it all" mode. I gave Torin a piggyback ride into Toys R Us on Sunday (we were shopping for his bday for Declan)...yesterday I picked up a laundry basket of books from the floor and put them on the bed (and put back down on the floor later). I feel healthy, therefore I ACT healthy...I struggle with my belief system about this whole thing.
My mom pointed out, and I agree, that this is the perfect weekend for this to happen. No plans to get out of, and nothing riding on me getting anywhere. I was suprised, last week, when Mr. C changed the testing for karate...originally it would have been this morning, when I couldn't get out of bed. My friend, Julie's babyshower was today...with my main babysitter in Alaska, and the friends that the boys are comfortable staying with either out of town or busy, I told them I couldn't go. I wouldn't have been able to anyway!
Dirk left this morning for his "Climb Mt. Whitney" trip...I mentioned that I had a pinched nerve or something when he got up at 5:30am (I'd woken up to the realization that something was going on with my back around 4:45 when T came in to use our bathroom and climbed in bed with us.) I didn't share my fears with D because I wanted him to enjoy his trip...I'm sure, however, that the boys will tell him what happened and we'll have to discuss it when he gets home on Monday.
I have friends that can help me if I need it, and I will take them up on it if I have to. The boys are both learning a valuable lesson in giving help and taking care of some of their own needs. I'm afraid to say, but have to admit that it takes something like a pinched nerve to make me ask that of them...and of Dirk. Why is that?! Why do I feel the need to take care of everyone else and not ask for help when I need it?
I need to get rid of the Ego identity with "the one who does it all/can do it all" and accept my limitations. I need to find a way to use EFT, visualization, angels and prayer, and REALISTICALLY deal with healing my body. I had such an awesome EFT session with Sunday last week and we got through some major links in emotion and my back issues. This morning when that searing pain shot through me (I almost passed out) I was overwhelmed with fear. I've only experienced pain like this when my disc ruptured (both times) and I was immediately transported back to that place. I laid down on the bed and tapped like a mad woman. Tapped on the fear, tapped on the pain...and realized that this didn't have to be another rupture. The pain before happened because the contents of the disc were pressing on nerves. It could just be a pinched nerve!! And so I tapped on that :) and the fact that my body is perfectly designed to heal itself and communicate it's needs to me. I haven't been a good listener lately...and it had to kick it up a notch, lol. I need to look up some Abe quotes on pain and body issues.
I am able to walk around a bit. I'm taking mega-doses of ibuprofen, some Flexeril, and icing every couple of hours. I've been in bed alot. I'm listening now...and I'm going to have to create a plan to listen more intently in the future...
